Attachment

So... what happens when you have a job, busy life, friends, family and suddenly your dreams come true and you adopt two beautiful children?  What happens when attachment is in question? What happens when being a mom is way harder than you thought and being a parent gets in the way of your career.

I sure wish I  had read what I'm about to say over the next month-before I adopted but would I have changed my mind- NO.. I guess that is the most important part. 

But,  in the next month I'm going to talk about the really hard stuff about adopting 2 kids at the same time.  

The fact remains no matter how much homework I  did- no matter how involved I as  in the communities (both adoption and Ethiopian), no matter how much I thought I was ready- I was not. 

The changes were un-imaginable.  Becoming a parent was challenging, attaching to my children -still challenging.  

Perhaps I won't be the best mom in the world- actually I've given up that dream- and my new posts are going to be about- what happens when you are not the "best?"  In our society there is so much perceived and actual pressure to be the best mom, to have the best kids.  Well- I have neither-but despite my attachment  challenges with them, despite the difficulties with in my family because I'm challenged by this, despite the fact that yes my kids get in trouble at school and socially.. despite it all.. I will never walk away from my children and push they do.. push and push and push.. society pushes too.. but for the first time in my life- I am fighting.

Am I the average loving, helpful- delirious over my children mom- NO.  I'm not.  Do I wish they had that- yes I do.  But I feel it's time to talk about this. I have hidden from society, I have stepped out of the "limelight" but it's time to be strong.. because in the end.. maybe my experience can help somebody else.. and say.. It's okay. It's okay if this is hard. It's okay if it's doesn't come naturally. It's okay if you have to work at it every day, every moment for the rest of your life... it's okay if your life changes so much that you don't recognize it... 

I'm here.. despite it all --- to say--- It's okay and yes even after 2 years 8 months-becoming a mom has not come naturally to me.